Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Who is your Wingman?

Who else, with cavalier disregard for his personal reputation, is so willing to throw himself upon the cruel mercies of a brazen man-hater, just so his buddy can hook up with a sorority girl with big gazongas?

Who else, with just a hint of a grimace, will selflessly dirty dance with a creature so hideous that no amount of hard liquor will wash the stain from his memory?

Who else, especially if he’s loaded to the gills, will stand in the deepest depths of hell just so a pal can climb up his back into hook-up heaven?

Whose sterling motto is, “You are going to so owe me”? - None else but the wingman!


And just as that brave (some say suicidally insane) Spartan king and his hundred warriors laid down their lives against a hundred thousand Persians, so will the wingman, with the right amount of prodding, recklessly lunge into battle against foes twice his size and half his intellect, fully knowing there is no way in hell that the night will end well.

IT USUALLY GOES DOWN LIKE THIS: A male (the flight leader) spots an attractive female (the bombing target) across the bar. But alas, she is not alone. She is paired with a tragically less attractive friend (the cock blocker). And they seem quite close, so close that the BT is unlikely to abandon her CB for a guy she just met.

The FL knows he’ll never be able to successfully complete his bombing run without proper air cover, and this is where the wingman comes into play. The wingman will engage the CB and pin her down long enough for the FL to finish his run, and hopefully bomb his target back to his bedroom.

Of course, there’s much more to the task than distracting the CB while the FL makes his move.

Wingman skills have been honed and passed down since someone decided women should be allowed into bars. Strategies have evolved and tactics have been polished to the point that the wingman has become a super-specialized warrior in the eternal Battle of the Sexes. And like all specialists, they’ve developed their own lingo.

WINGMAN JARGON...Air superiority - when the flight team has established a comfortable conversation with the BT and CB.

  • BT - bombing target; the hot chick.

  • Banzai shot - much as kamikaze pilots were given a ceremonial shot of sake before being sealed in their cockpits, the flight leader should buy his wingman a shot prior to a mission.

  • Betty - an alliteration of Bombing Target.

  • Bogie - a friend of the BT that has not yet been identified as a CB.

  • CB - cock blocker; the hot girl’s troublesome friend and sworn enemy of the wingman. Also called a bandit.Dogfight - dancing with a CB.

  • FL - Flight leader; also called the bombardier.

  • Flak - snide remarks made by a CB in an attempt to drive the flight team from the skies.

  • Flying blind - when the wingman indulges in so much in-flight refueling he jeopardizes the mission.

  • Getting pinged - initial eye contact with a BT.

  • In-flight refueling - when a wingman orders a flurry of shots to help him complete his mission.

  • Kamikaze mission - when the wingman is likely to end up in the clutches of the CB.

  • Landing gear - a wingman’s self-respect; if a FL asks his wingman to “leave his landing gear behind,” he’s preparing the wingman for a flak storm or kamikaze mission.

  • POW - Prisoner of a Warthog; to go home with a CB, the supreme sacrifice of a wingman.

  • Pig Alley - a play off of the Korean War’s infamous MIG Alley, this describes a BT swarming with CBs.

  • Shite leader - a would-be flight leader without the skills to complete the mission.

  • Shoot and scoot - an attempt to engage with more than one CB at a time.

  • Tailgunning - when the wingman disgracefully abandons his air cover duties and attempts his own bombing run on the BT.

  • Yank and bank - an attempt by the FL to maneuver the BT away from the wingman and CB for some one-on-one time.

KNOW YOUR COCK BLOCKERS...Before you tip that throttle and rocket off the runway, it’s best to know what you’re up against. There are three types of CBs, namely:

  1. Cinderella’s Sister: This semi-attractive woman is secretly jealous of her more alluring friend and won’t want to see her hook up because she’s tired of being the bridesmaid. She’s an easy target for flattery, especially if you compare her favorably with her friend. Tagline: “Doesn’t she have great breasts? Too bad they’re fake.”

  2. Den Mother: She’s such a wonderful, responsible, caring person that she feels the need to watch over her “wild” friend and keep all the naughty boys at length. She’s been honing her CB skills since high school and knows all the tricks, but can be cracked with a “you should really let your friend live her own life, she’s all grown up now” attack. Tagline: “Come on, Sweety, you’ve had enough to drink and it’s time to go home.”

  3. Brumhilda: Tempered by the hot fires of spite and bitterness, she dislikes men in general, either because she’s been denied their attention or due to past romantic difficulties. She is the most dangerous CB because no amount of charm can flatter her into letting your FL fly off into the sunset with her friend. Only the most skilled and dogged of wingmen can neutralize her, usually by pretending he’s gay and equally bitter. Tagline: “Hey you. Yeah, you, asshole. It’s girls’ night out. No men allowed. So why don’t you go play Hide and Go Fuck Yourself?”

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Cisse -will he ever work? - destiny revealed!

Cisse has been now without a full time job for over a year, he completed his Degree in summer 06. Since there has been little / minimal grafting since. He is a back ache to all us tax payers. There are hundreds of jobs out there I have found one to help out our friend.
Please join me to vote...

Monday, May 21, 2007

Pompey in Europe Poll - Hmmm

Well some of you voted for whether Pompey will make Europe this season - I know it was not as popular as the Mcmillan one - (with young Kate Haines) but hey.

So Final scores are;

27.8% Yes of course - wrong.
38.9% Yes - wrong.
11.1% Possibly - wrong.
22.2% No - Correct answer.

And before you lot from the other side of Hampshire start banging on, I was going to do one on the chances of Southampton securing promotion via the play offs! But I was not quick enough! Doh.
Give me a shout on what you think the next poll should be.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Vanguard - early shout disgrace

Hey Kids !! Well this could be an early candidate for disgrace of the month, our man Reg - within days of his last offence. Manages to be the first I know to get barred from the church bar in town! Great work.... so Reg I think its pretty much up to u to find a contender for this month. - At the sametime - if you guys and girls have any nominee's give me a shout!!

Also im thinking about doing a hero of the month award, let me know your thoughts?

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Disgrace of the month? Hmm or is this a whole new category?

Well this month I im not really sure what to say... however; due to peer presure I will proceed.
A few days ago at a BBQ we were all sat round watching the snooker as you do, everyone happy sipping away at their beers and meat (well Cat had some peanuts as his teeth are not strong enough yet) and out of nowhere randomly we were all hit like a nosediving blue whale! Random Reg pipes up with this " I love Windass, he has an immense body, have you seen him with his shirt off?! What the fuck!! Well Reg there were several candidates for disgrace of the month, but I cannot even measure them against this!!!
Beware those other candidates..... I have the right to provide evidence next month - do not think you have escaped!

Well unless Reg decides to say something completely foolish again.

World map